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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Candles never taste the way they smell
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no