Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings