Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I missed you with all my darts
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.