Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I don’t get marriage
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
me after drinking all the wine:
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.