There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Not all heroes wear capes….
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Where’s my employee discount too?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.