I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
You Might Also Like
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Mhm.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person