It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
definitely did not do anything wrong
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old