Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.