Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home