*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.