Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
How do you milk an almond?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Sex so good you see dead people.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.