Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
That lamp looks PISSED.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.