WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.