My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text