The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it