I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Skills
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
🤣