Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My daily affirmation
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.