I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.