[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
You Might Also Like
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
What the dentist sees
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.