Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.