An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I hope Alan is OK
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Every haunted house movie:
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg