Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My background check bounced.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected