If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
No Google it does not
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.