[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.