Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Life cycle of cat
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.