me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.