According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start