I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
You Might Also Like
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”