My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”