Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?