Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.