If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Just say no
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas