1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
HOW DARE YOU
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.