me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume