GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.