My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it