He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?