“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look