-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different