I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old