“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
This is what makes twitter great
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
worst…sale…ever
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.