When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.