Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
what does he know…
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison