Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question