Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what