Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.