To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?