Seductively sings in Klingon.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Monday Lisa
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day