Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
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mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Imma just leave this here…………
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda