I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn鈥檛 crazy about the lucky binky
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They鈥檙e all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I鈥檓 sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it鈥檚 only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I鈥檓 fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That鈥檚 your roommate. Boundaries.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I鈥檓 stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
when it鈥檚 the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.